Title: Getting Real; 10 truth skills you need to live an authentic life.
Author: Susan Campbell
Category: Expository – Practical
What is the book about as a whole?
The book is a practical work on how to be honest and sincere, in other words authentic. It gives us advice on the skills we need to be authentic and also tell us how this might help us to improve our relationships in work and in specific in personal ones.
What is being said in detail, and how?
The book is divided twelve chapters and is built around the ten skills that according to Campbell are needed to be authentic. The first one serves as an introduction to the book and introduces us to the concepts and terms that we will work on the book. The ten truths are: 1. Experiencing What is. 2. Being transparent. 3. Relating vs. Controlling. 4. Welcoming feedback. 5. Asserting what you want and don’t want. 6. Taking back projections. 7. Revising an earlier statement. 8. Holding differences. 9. Sharing mixed emotions. 10. Embracing the Silence of the unknown.
The first skill EXPERIENCE WHAT IS calls our attention to direct our energy and efforts to address what is really happening. Often we tend to assume and imagine things over the actual facts that our senses can perceive. We often see more than there is in reality and we imagine people being mad or upset with us and we take our mental image as the actual truth. We work on that premise and we don’t allow ourselves to really look carefully to the concrete reality instead of going around. On the other hand we might also do the opposite and sugar coded something that is going wrong, in other words be in denial. It is an often mistake to go out of what is happening but if we practice we might get better in our observation of facts and try less to impose our imagination on it. Campbell suggest the exercise “I notice_________” to describe the concrete and the “I imagine_______” to address those things that we feel but we are acknowledging are products of our imagination.
Next in the skills is BEING TRANSPARENT we are sharing what are feelings and intentions are instead of making stories to cover them up. You have to feel your feelings and sense your body to address them and taking them into account. You are not hiding anymore, you are not trying to control them, you are relating with them. This also applies to your relationships with others since you no longer want to dominate the relationship, you don’t have a hidden agenda, you are being yourself and you are trying to construct something with another person. This skill is called RELATING VERSUS CONTROLLING and is about relating instead of controlling. Control is a safe situation where we are in charge and we know how things will happen but it might lead us not to be authentic and honest. This is a common problem since it is a common impulse of humans.
The skill WELCOMING FEEDBACK is about wanting to hear the truth even if it is uncomfortable. You realize that is feedback what will help you to grow. Also you might realize that someone offers you feedback it is not a synonym that the person doesn’t like you or want to treat you bad. Instead in a trustful environment would mean that the person cares about you and what you are doing and is offering you help to grow as a person. Also you have to get back to the first skill and detach your imagination both of the one that gives feedback from the one that receives it. It doesn’t mean everything I say to the person is going to be right or everything I hear is right, but it will help me to realize how people sees me and how do I see people. In giving, receiving and asking for feedback we have great opportunities to learn. But we have to be careful in giving feedback and in general we have to be careful to realize if were not projecting our feelings, fears, or moods into the other person. We have to double check if it is not us who is imposing on the situation or the person something’s that are ours. This skill is called TAKING BACK PROJECTIONS. To be aware of this is also helpful to think why I am saying this and even take feedback of your feedback to see if the person feels identify with what you are saying or it might be just a projection. One key idea is that we must not strive for changing other people but instead to do a self-reflection about our own behavior and approach to things.
Another skill is ASSERTING WHAT YOU WANT AND DON’T WANT that is to express with clarity what you want in terms of “I want” instead of telling the other person “You should”. It is healthy and makes easier to the other person to know what you are feeling and what you expect of the situation. Often we encounter ourselves in situations where we don’t know that is happening due the poor clarity of what the other person is saying he or she wants. This skill helps you to be clear about what you desire to happen even if there is little odds it will happen. In HOLDING DIFFERENCES what you aim is to embrace the difference and not trying to impose your point of view over the others. You might to be able to recognize that you might not have the objective truth and that you are working with others to find it.
We must give us permission to come back to our statements and revise them. In other words what we say today might either not be truth and we find out about that or tomorrow we might think otherwise. We should not become slaves to our former opinions and we should allow us to amend if we need it. Often people will lose opportunities to learn just because they are unable to practice the skill called REVISING AN EARLIER STATEMENT.
Another skill very useful is to realize we are humans and as humans we often won’t have pure emotions but rather mixed emotions. We might feel even contradictory emotions at the same time but that is fine if we are authentic and address that we are feeling them. We should not choose some emotions over the others, it is legit to have both and experience them fully. You should not leave some behind; you have to embrace them as they are. This skill is called SHARING MIXED EMOTIONS.
Finally you have the skill ‘EMBRACING THE SILENCE OF THE UNKNOWN’ In this particular one we are called to be comfortable with silence, something that is rather difficult for many, but that is not indicative of disrespect or ignoring something. Instead it allows us to have the time to think and reflect on what is happening. It gives you the time to fully experience what you are living and gives you a pause to check in yourself. Provides room to think about new ideas, perspectives and also gives you the opportunity experience feelings. If you don’t embrace silence you might not have realize that people have important things to say and you even might be failing in relating instead of controlling.
What are the author’s questions and problems?
She deals with the problem of how to articulate the skills needed in order to be authentic. What do I need to be authentic? What skills do I need to practice honesty and be real? What are the common problems people face in doing so? (As Author) What examples can I give to exemplify the cases? How can we make this a widespread culture instead?
What of it?
This book has shown super important to our culture at the MPC since we are working on a collaborative environment we need these skills to relate with our peers. But even beyond the doors of the university these skills will help you to live a better life. Why? Well, because they can help you to stop living in a world of masks and instead living in an authentic form. When you are trying to construct something with other you really need to be able to work in a trustful environment where you can be safe and do planning, but this is almost impossible if the people you work with are dishonest and don’t express what they think. Even though the book was addressed to personal relationships (also useful, don’t misunderstand me but thinking about the context of the MPC) the book gave us basic tools to start working in our way to address others.
What quotes did I like of the book?
To be real I have to let you know that I lost my personal copy of the book so my underlying with my favorite quotes are lost… Sadly.
What books are connected with it?
Godel, Escher, Bach
How to Read a Book
Getting Real
Words and Rules
