Title: Difficult Conversations; How to discuss what matters the most
Author: Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen & Roger Fisher
Category: Expository – Practical
What is the book about as a whole?
The book is about the skills you need to handle conversations with other persons at work, family or friends that might be charged with emotional tension or might me just too important that need to be handled well in order not to be misunderstood.
What is being said in detail, and how?
The book starts presenting us the three different kind of conversations that are involved in sorting out a difficult conversation that involves our feelings. The three are: ‘What happened conversation’, ‘Feelings conversation’ and the ‘Identity conversation’. The first one is an effort to focus on what really happen. In many occasions we are not actually talking about the facts that are involved in the event that originated the difficult conversation, but rather in what we imagine that happen or what we think that happen. We do a lot of assumptions and work our judgment on those not on reality. At this point we should not look to blame the other or assume intentions that are not declared. This is the moment to figure out what is the perception of the events that happened. We should focus on the problem, what solutions are available to resolve it. The second conversation is about the feelings we are experimenting. We should not disregard them but we should not let them be the center of the conversation. We have to acknowledge them but suspend them. The identity conversation, the third one, is about what it is reflected of us in the conversation. Is about what I’m saying about myself.
Next, the book talk about stop looking who is right. Instead of just giving our explanation of the situation and thinking that that is ultimate and definitive version of reality we should explore the other person version. Since we have different pieces of information, there might be something valuable and key in what the other person is saying. Besides that, even if we experienced the same information, we might have different interpretations and we should acknowledge them. This is important mainly since the meaning that we are giving to the situation might be influenced by our past experiences. So we should embrace both stories instead of looking what is the right version.
We also shouldn’t assume the intention that the other person had. If we do that we are imposing on them something that might not be true. Instead we have to learn how to differentiate the impact that it had on us from the intention the person had. We can start by asking What did the person say? And next How did I feel about it? Once we had that distinction made we will make some progress.
Another key point in sorting out is the abandonment of blame. The blaming game is one that only make people loose instead of wining. Blame is a handicap for solving problems since we are focused on putting the burden on the other person. Instead of understanding the other person we are judging them. We then accuse them and they react defending themselves. In this position we become victims of them, we become passive subjects instead of active participants in the problem. If we do the blaming game, we become The Victim.
Back on the feelings, we should not deny them thinking that by doing so we will avoid the consequences of letting us feeling them, because is not as easy as that. When we fail to deal with emotions we can create more problems as ruining relationships or losing control. The first step is to realize what the feelings are and how do we feel about them. We should give them a proper place in the conversation and share them with the other person. The feelings are important but by hiding them or making the whole conversation move around them we will lose the possibility to learn how to solve the problem. The final part would be the Identity conversation, that where one ask oneself ‘who am I?’ What of me is involved in the problem? We have to search for those buttons that awake our deepest feelings and that bring out something that we might not like. By doing so we make a difficult step since often is frightening and not easy to accept oneself. But if we are here to solve the problem we have to accept that we might make mistakes, that we can be complex and even that we might have contributed to the problem.
What are the author’s questions and problems?
The authors of the book are exploring the following questions: What is a difficult conversation? What are the parts of it? Where should people should focus their efforts when facing a difficult conversation? Why sometimes we fail to resolve our differences? What habits might handicap us if we are faced with a difficult conversation? What options do we have? What is the role of Blame? What is the role our identity has in the conversation?
What of it?
To be continued in next term… but so far really helping me to improve my personal relationships. Is one of the books I would love to read with my partner. ;)
What books are connected with it?
Getting Real by Susan Campbell
On Dialogue by David Bohm
